just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I need to calm my uterus...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
