Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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