he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
