I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
