just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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