not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
