Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
