It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
