You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
