Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
you never un-have a 4some
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
