I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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