My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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