I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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