she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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