Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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