no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
