considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
