just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
