worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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