I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
