There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
COCAINE IS GR8
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
