If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
