i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
