He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just found a bag of teeth...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
