it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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