I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
