you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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