meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
