I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
