he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
