Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
