You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
