I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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