And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
