I am midnight drunk by noon
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
