am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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