Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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