How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
