so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Even my vagina gasped.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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