I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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