sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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