i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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