you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
