Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
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i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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