there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
