I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i wish my penis had a tongue
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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