pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
