What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
