I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
