When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
