I faked an abortion last night.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
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Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
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Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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