i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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