I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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