I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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