There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
