We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
