Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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